Love is a strange thing.
Yesterday, I was told of an extremely tragic story about a public figure, who talks tough in public, but back home, he so henpecked that the wife routinely beats him up. Strangely, he can't quit, and it is not uncommon to wake up on a Tuesday (the most unromantic day), to find him splashing photos him and le wife accompanied with bad poetry.
Walking away is not easy. Emotional abuse is bad, but when it is physical, it is worse. Not sure, if the wife is some sadist or what!
Been thinking about this until I read Bikozulu's story today and was left wondering what is life. Girl meets a man with some thug appeal, falls heads over heels. Two months later she learns there is another woman in the picture, wants to walk out, but the sex is good. Against good judgment, she sticks around.
A few months ago, at one of those f**cked up Jiweke Sunday Nights, at around 2.30 a.m, I ran into this girl in a blue dress and a red beret in the loo, and straight-up she looked at me, and after complimenting my height, she asked me, "How old are you?"
"30," I lied to her?
"Do you have a baby?"
That was too abrupt and I took a second to think about it, and she dismissed me,
"You definitely have a baby, there is no 30-year-old man in Nairobi who does not have a baby," and she disappeared into the loo, and I went back to the tents.
The girl was like 23 or 24 at the outside. But she knew there is no man who is 30+ who is single. If single, he has a child, or in a complicated relationship with some woman, or baby mama. Or gay. You can always bet.
And when you start dating and someone does not disclose upfront about their baggage, that is a dangerous man or woman. There are women in Nairobi who have left their children with their mothers, and are slaying here. It is also safe to assume that most women at 27 and above are either mothers, or have a complicated relationship from the past they can't let go. And if you want something serious, you better resolve these things.
Most of my male friends still have astonishing access to their exes, who are married or in relationships. A good number of women I talk to (both married and unmarried), have admitted to having that one ex they turn to when dry spell becomes unbearable.
People who have seen us naked or people we have seen naked over a considerable amount of time have a tremendous effect on us whether we like it or not. As I have written my relationship columns, exes are always an existential threat in a relationship. It is not uncommon for a person to love their exes more than they love their current.
But when a man tells you that he has a child and they have a co-parenting arrangement with the other woman and you want to settle into the relationship, there is a 69 percent chance, the man may go back to the mother of his child. Most relationship normally undergoes that phase of separation where people convince themselves that moving on is easy and assume that they will never get back together. Few people succeed.
So our lady did leave the man alone when he wedded secretly. But the monster sneaked back in her moment of vulnerability and took her back and they resumed from where they had left.
Not many people have the emotional maturity to walk away from unworkable relationships. Maybe it is dickmatization. Maybe it vagmatization. It happens even to the best of us.
It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a sexually exciting relationship. It is what it is.
Patti Smyth and Don Henle sung way back in 1992:
"There is a danger in loving someone too much,
And it is sad when you know, it is your heart you can't trust..."
And then there is a point of desertion. Our loved ones sometimes do crazy things. Our lady from Biko is not the first one to learn about her 'boyfriend' wedding from social media. I know men who also learnt that their girlfriend wedded over the weekend. Some people are just too cruel, selfish and inconsiderate.
But when your love deserts, ghosts or does the unthinkable, there a few things you must not do:
1. Go whoring. Some men (and increasingly some women) like going for validation9ioli sex. Whereby you think you are getting back to the man or the woman. When you do something to hurt the other person, you end up hurting yourself more. Don't lose faith in all women or all men, no matter how big the hurt or the betrayal. Part of growing up is to understand the appalling capacity of human beings to betray and hurt those they love.
Your sense of self-worth must never be tied to a fellow human being. When betrayed, mourn privately, pick the pieces, hit the gym, go to the salon, the barber and look your best, return to the market. It is not easy, but train yourself. Sometimes the people you love the most including family will some absurd things that can kill you if you ain't strong. Also, if reading this, don't ever be reckless with other people's hearts.
2. Go into self-pity mode, where you enter a period of self-doubt wondering if you were not good enough. Nobody is perfect. When people leave, sometimes it is for their selfish reasons, than our inadequacy. And if they left because of our inadequacy, we can learn from the experience and improve. Look in the mirror. Women sometimes rarely want to admit where they are inadequate and like to apportion blame, that is not the way. In your moment of self-reflection, when the dust has settled down, and the pain subsided, re-examine all the circumstances. Don't be hard on yourself. People screw up, forgive yourself and make good use of your remaining time on earth. Men are often totally destroyed and after being left, can get stuck in one place, trying to exact revenge or to prove a point. Mr. Man, prove a point to yourself and to God.
3. Don't get into a serious relationship too soon. You are still vulnerable and your judgment is crowded and clouded.
4. Regardless of how the whole situation makes you feel, remember you are a worthy human being worthy of love. Let not the opinion of one person about you ruin your life.
5. Two things you must not compromise on in a relationship: basic honesty and respect. As soon as you notice the prospective love is a liar, has multiple passowrds to their phone and can't answer simple questions with basic answers, find the exit door. It starts with simple lies before they become complex and multifaceted and by the time you want to disentangle yurself, there are children involved.
Point zimeisha, lemme grab some dark stuff from Ireland.

The Kenyan DAILY  POST

Post a Comment