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This is a nice piece from popular columnist Silas Nyachwani.

Every time I see a young couple in a restaurant, all happy and excited, especially in those dates everyone knows (from waiter to watchman, to the cook at the restaurant) will lead to a bed, my heart sinks.

I feel like walking to the man and telling him that in five years’ time, that girl who is smiling and laughing at all his silly jokes will consider him a bore, unambitious and highly stupid.

Like this kayoung couple I saw earlier in a restaurant I frequent along Biashara St.

The man was your typical 27- year-old, about 5’9, in jeans and expensive sweater and of course with a backpack and an HP laptop which is his office and where he will be feeding the girl from until the girl becomes overambitious or grows too big for him. The chap was bespectacled but not nerdy, as he was rather chatty, but you can tell he is a bit reserved. And his chattiness had to do with the girl he was with.

Because the girl had the body every man hankers after, all the time. Girl must be 23-24, as she still has some residual virginal potency and that nubile charm that is yet to be eroded with weed and too much unnecessary sex with the wrong people.

But boy, that girl. Facial beauty was like 70, but her body could cremate your soul and common sense. It was flaming hot. Hotter than Neves' goal against Man U yesterday. But it is her playfulness that distracted me much of the afternoon. She placed her legs on the lap of the man, picked the man’s nose, and she was overly attentive in that exaggerated way girls always are when they are interested in you, or interested in something you have(car, money, and whatever).

Now, I have lived in Nairobi longer than most of you and I can tell that girl will run the man out of town. She is trouble. Double trouble. But her excitement, body and I could tell she must be “hot” hiyo sector, as she had the body of a dancer and the charm of a woman who was born to be desired by all men. If she worked in your office, she will be what men talk about in the smokin breaks, calling her ‘Mali ya mkubwa'. Touching her will be like a Kikuyu politician trying to go against Uhuru(a career-terminating-move). You will be sent to some backwater city like Kitale where you can still see a Kencell billiboard.

Anyway.

I loved the couple. Honestly, I was envious. Ya ukweli kabisa. Any man would be.
When I came in, they had just ordered some sizzling drumsticks, fries for the girl and the man went for rice. It looked like it was a lunch they had all been looking forward to. The girl treated the meal with respect and I wish you saw how she licked her fingers from time to time as she swept clean the pan carrying the drumsticks. Something sexy about that sneaky way, women lick the savoury of the tip of their fingers. Generally, I actually like watching women eat. Strange women. She ate well and topped it up with a brownish milkshake.
In between the man was showing her something on his laptop and she looked interested and excited...

I just hope the man enjoys that while it lasts.

What I have learnt and all men can attest, is that women are very good pretenders when you are dating. This is not the usual chorus that 'men always ago for bad girls and get what they want'. Nope. Women always go for bad boys. But for men, you meet a girl, you fancy her, and she plays a character she thinks you like.

In the first days, she will be excited, contrary to what some feminists say here, most girls actually do wash clothes and cook in the formative stages of marriage until akuzoee and she will start treating you like trash. It doesn’t matter if you are rich, poor, in a good job or a bad job. About 3-5 years is the right time you will know the true character of your wife. Trust me on this.

Women are very good in hiding their weak and evil side. For men, we hardly change. If you are a player, she will know within a month. And will decide if to stay or not. If a man drinks and smokes, he never hides this.

But for a woman, she can shut that dark part of her in some crevice only she knows and will retrieve the true colours when tragedy will strike(the man loses his job, she gets a promotion and better perks, meets her true love et cetera.)

So.

I looked at the boy and I wished if I was in Silicon Valley, I will come up with an app that monitors such a couple, records them in the happiest moment and checking again after 5 years.

It is predictable. The man will not be knowing the stranger at home. He will prefer the bar to home. And will probably eat humble pie and have something on the side.

Funny that a mpango is always kinder and understanding when the wife is literally killing you with ulcers.

I have said unkind things about men who go to the bar in the evening instead of going home. I used to be harsh on men who keep secret families. But after talking to most male friends, we have agreed, we will never judge our father’s as harshly as before. Our mothers were not saints. And the old boys, sometimes were pushed to push something on the side.

Man.

If this boy ends up marrying this girl I hope I am wrong.

They finished and left me to work.

Hope they had a better day.

Time for some Gregory Isaacs and reading to nourish this tired mind.

PS:By the way, if you are single(both men and women) stay like that. Travel the world. Eat good food. Enjoy good sleep knowing that nobody is plotting some bad stuff against you or planning to cheat on you. The peace of mind that comes with that is underrated. I don't know a happily married person. But I do know very happy single people.

By Silas Nyanchwani
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