I don't know what you were told.
Especially when you were migrating from childhood to adulthood; I mean that period of adolescence when we were learning adult content.
But this is what me and my crew were told.
That the mouth of a lady has a direct correlation with the size of her p**sy. That if a lady has a small mouth then her vagina is smaller than Duale's brain.
If her mouth is like that of Uhunye then expect down there to be an abandoned quarry where all corrupt politicians in this country can be dumped na nafasi ibaki.
We believed it. Every time I met a lady, I'd look at her mouth and create a mental picture of what's down there.
Then one day I met some girl with a mouth as small as Wetangula's chances of becoming president. Guess what? You're right folk! I knew downstairs is the same size.
Without wasting time, I abducted the girl and flung her into my friend's simba. I then started studying her carnal knowledge with the precision of a surgeon.
I was misled. When I deposited mjulumbeng I thought the nigga was still outside. Nop! It was ndaaani ndani yani ndani but couldn't hit where it hurts. Folks, that was a borehole.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
And before I end the bulletin.
To learn another language, one starts by learning basic greetings then next is learning the names of the private parts and how to ask for it. Like I'm not fluent in Kikuyu but I know that Keino isn't just a runner. It means something else.
I don't know Kiluhya but I know basic greetings and how to ask for the cookie jar. I love Kisiis and Meru, I don't know the language but I know the name of that thing and how to ask for it.
We have Kikuyus who can't spell one Luo word but the scoundrels know how to greet in Dholuo and how to ask for that "hairy rodent" in fluent Luo.
By JIM BONNIE
The Nairobian Columnist