Handsome boys are so poor in bed, it hurts, Dakika moja kama kuku jamaa ashachoka.


The other day, I was at a party and as usual, my ears wandered where they are not supposed to. Some two well-dressed ladies were deep in conversation and something they said caught my attention.

“...I tell you Cynthia, he was horrible, very horrible in bed. Other than his pretty face, he had nothing else to offer”, mused one in a ridiculously hurt voice. A hearty laughter followed as the ladies faded into the crowd.

These kinds of conversations are far too common on my streets. For some reason, the equation usually comes down to pretty-men-make-for-horrible sex. And no, we weren’t talking about little mishaps like an occasional premature ejaculation or hitting the wrong hole, these people are downright horrible at it. Like I-am-not-letting-you-anywhere-near-my-loins-ever-again horrible!

Once in a while, a woman would feel overambitious enough to date a pretty boy. Don’t do it. Save yourself the disappointment. You know those nice plates that your mother kept very nicely in a large wall unit back home but you never got to use them until you got your own home, well that’s the perfect definition of a pretty boy. They are pretty and fragile; you just want to look at them all day long, like a piece of art or pottery, but their functionality is zilch. And worse are the pretty men who know they are pretty.

If a pretty boy is the way you want to go, first and foremost, I give you my deepest sympathies. Second and most important, be mentally prepared to take control of the joystick, literally. There will be no pampering for you, his job is just to lie there and worry about crucial things like if the squats in the gym have made his butt firm enough to crack an egg, or if he’d appear desperate if he called the girl he met at the mall first. And don’t even expect cunningulus from these guys, they didn’t apply a dollop of fruity lip balm just to dig into your hairy muff.

Other people would argue that bad sex is more of a team effort than individual shortcomings, but come on, a pretty man believes that just their looks is enough to launch lovemaking by 50 per cent, so it’s up to the ugly partner to walk the rest of the way. They make absolutely no effort; they are selfish and self-centered. It is, after all, a privilege to get it on with a pretty person. So you shouldn’t complain. Didn’t you after all get a chance to gloat on Facebook about how you foresee giving birth to cute little babies if they take after their father?

As a rule that I made to myself, I never date pretty men (no offence to my exes). I have heard enough stories and experienced a few incidences to know that pretty men are a no-go zone. And by pretty, I don’t mean light skinned men, which I hear is some kind of insult nowadays because being light-skinned is the Kenyan version of blonde? Not all light-skinned people are pretty, yes they get noticed faster because clearly light travels faster. But there are some light-skinned people who redefined the word ‘ugly’ for me, those people set the ugly bar so high, I don’t think anyone is ever going to beat that. Ladies, you want toe-curling orgasms; stick with the not-so-good-looking, vertically-challenged and prematurely balding men. They’d walk to hell and back just to please you.

By SARAH HULUWA (Girl Talk)

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